The holiday season arrives with a familiar soundtrack, but each year, artists attempt to carve out a place amongst the classics. Few succeed, and the pursuit of a Christmas hit often yields…less-than-stellar results. This decade alone has seen a surprising number of festive flops, and we’ve bravely listened to them all, so you don’t have to.
Elton John and Ed Sheeran’s “Merry Christmas” promised a spectacular collaboration. The formula was there: twinkling bells, predictable clichés, and Sir Elton’s signature piano. Yet, despite Ed Sheeran’s attempt at a playfully seductive Santa, the song felt utterly forgettable, blending seamlessly into the background of every other holiday single ever made. Even Sheeran himself seems ready to “let it go.”
Bon Jovi’s “Christmas Isn’t Christmas” suffers from a different ailment: dreariness. Jon Bon Jovi spends two minutes lamenting his inability to feel festive “without you,” culminating in a repetitive bridge and a resounding “yeah yeah.” It’s a song that fails to ignite any holiday cheer, remaining stubbornly off the festive charts.
Leona Lewis, already a Christmas music icon, revisited the season with “Kiss Me It’s Christmas” featuring Ne-Yo. Their voices harmonize beautifully, hinting at a promising duet partnership. However, the song veers into excessive sweetness, and the accompanying music video showcases a level of PDA that feels…uncomfortable. It’s a saccharine offering that pales in comparison to Lewis’s earlier hit, “One More Sleep.”
Calum Scott and Christina Perri’s “Kid at Christmas” began with a self-aware confession: a Christmas number one was merely a plot device in a movie. Sadly, the song failed to capture any magic, instead offering a melancholic ballad about the passage of time. Good intentions couldn’t save this utterly forgettable tune, which somehow manages to make Christmas morning feel bittersweet.
Charlie Puth’s “December 25” sparked a surprising reaction: people questioned whether he should even *be* an artist if he released such a depressing Christmas song. A Wham! sample couldn’t salvage the melancholy tale of a Christmas Eve breakup. The chorus, sung in a Mariah Carey-esque key, proved entirely unsuitable for karaoke, leaving listeners with a sense of lonely resignation.
Camila Cabello’s rendition of “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” is a curious case. It’s neither awful nor iconic, but unforgettable for all the wrong reasons. Her mispronunciation of “Christmas” as “quizmois” and “presents” as “peasants” have become legendary, providing unintentional comedic relief. Despite the vocal hiccups, it manages to bring a smile, a truly bizarre Christmas gift.
Gary Barlow and Sheridan Smith’s “How Christmas Is Supposed To Be” attempted to capture the magic of “Fairytale of New York,” but fell drastically short. An uncomfortable back-and-forth opening and lyrics hinting at marital strife created a surprisingly harsh tone. The song lacked the charm of its inspiration, despite the vocal talents of its performers.
Meghan Trainor’s “I Believe in Santa” is…an experience. Featuring JoJo Siwa in full 2020 glitter, the music video is visually overwhelming. The song itself is worse, a relentless repetition of Trainor’s belief in Santa, punctuated by lyrical references to her weight. It’s a Christmas song for dedicated Meghan Trainor fans only.
And then there’s Katie Price’s “This Christmas.” It’s simply…a lot. Heavily autotuned vocals and questionable lyrical choices (“family celebration” sounding suspiciously like something else) make for a truly unique listening experience. It’s bad, undeniably, but perhaps that’s the true spirit of Christmas.
Finally, the saga of LadBaby and his sausage roll-themed Christmas songs. What began as a quirky novelty act stretched into five consecutive years, even surpassing The Beatles’ record for Christmas number ones. While charitable, these food-themed jingles were an insult to the ears, and a plea has been issued: LadBaby, please, no more.
