My girlfriend cheated on me with the last person I expected — should I stay?

Can you ever regain trust after cheating?

This week’s Sex Column reader has found himself questioning everything after his partner of nearly four years betrayed him with a female friend.

She insists she’s straight and it was a one-off, but he’s left wondering if the relationship is worth salvaging or he should simply call it quits.

Read the advice below, but before you go, make sure to check out last week’s dilemma, from an unhappily-married woman who hired a private detective to follow her husband.

The problem

I recently found my live-in girlfriend of nearly four years in bed with her mate. This woman is always at our house, and has been friends with my partner since school. They’ve always said they’re ‘like sisters’ and I’m used to her being around a lot of the time.

Last week I was meant to stay at my brother’s place for a few days, but came home unexpectedly when he cancelled at the last minute. I phoned my girlfriend numerous times to tell her I was on the way back, but she didn’t answer.

When I walked in the front door, the first thing I heard was what I can only describe as ‘sex noises’ coming from our bedroom. It all happened so fast, but when I flung open the door expecting to find another man with my girlfriend, I was stunned to catch her in the middle of a sex act with her friend.

Their reaction was one of guilt and shock, with the friend trying to make a joke of it, asking if I’d like to join in. I know that’s a fantasy for a lot of guys, but I felt so sick I just slammed the door shut and went to the pub to try and get my brain around what I’d just witnessed.

I ignored all the phone calls from my girlfriend, but when I eventually returned home she grovelled like mad, saying it was a drunken one-off and begging me to forgive her. She swears she isn’t gay and is desperate not to split up over this. 

I don’t want to throw away four years – but at the same time I’m haunted by the idea that she isn’t the girl I thought she was.

The advice…

No matter how much she protests she’s never done it before, or will never do it again, it can’t be ignored that you only found out she cheated because you caught her in the act.

Do you truly believe she’d have owned up otherwise? Because if not, you can’t trust that it was a ‘drunken one-off’ and hasn’t happened before.

While she may still be grappling with her sexuality, how she identifies is less important than the fact she betrayed you.

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Hi, my name is Laura Collins, and every week I write Metro’s Sex Column.

I’ve been working in newspapers since completing my counselling training 30 years ago, and it’s always a privilege to help readers.

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Your girlfriend needs to start being honest (to you and herself) about her attraction to women and how this fits into her relationship with you.

If you both decide to stay together but she wants to explore this side of herself, she may suggest non-monogamy. Think very hard about what you’re comfortable with here; if you wouldn’t share her with another man, then don’t agree to share her with a woman.

Yours is a classic case where a good relationship counsellor could benefit. Talking openly in a neutral situation will help you come to terms with what’s happened and decide the best way forward. If you’re unsure if the trust can be rebuilt, then a split could potentially be the right way to go.

Breaking up won’t be easy but it never is. Both of you deserve to be happy and given that she’s already broken your trust once, who’s to say it won’t happen again.

Regardless of the outcome, remember this is not in any way a reflection on you, or your desirability as a partner.

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to [email protected].